I am really emotional, actually very tired. Parker has been awaking a lot and needs only his Mama. He is cutting his two year old molars, his last three. I know he is demanding my presence, so he should.
I am aware of all the extra noise. It’s as though my brain is completely full, my senses are heightened and I am retreating. Once again, I am deleted Facebook off my phone. Today I have checked it only once on the computer. I haven’t mindlessly scrolled through my newsfeed, I checked my messages, replied and logged off.
I’m in bed, dressed with my apron still on. A book sits beside me, I can’t bring myself to read it, it too is noisy. There is silence in our home. I can hear the birds chirping outside their conversation and I don’t wonder what they are chirping about. A lot of the time when I hear them, I make little stories up in my head about the Mama bird, her babies and their conversation. Today, I just observed.
Mr.Kypo is sleeping with Parker in the bunk bed, perhaps it is time to transition him from our bed. It’s 10.45am. Tears are swirling in the beauty of silence. It’s my sanctuary. It hasn’t always been. Silence has been a place I have resisted. I would fill up those moments with Facebook, blogs, talking on the phone and any other way of distracting me what used to be the loud noise in my head.
For today, I am relishing in the silence not through meditation, not through yoga, not through mindfulness, purely just being here.
My body wants warmth of my doona, my toes intertwine the bottom. The coolness brings relief and comfort. They have been here before.
Lotus is home sick and she’s in the other room. I question whether she too is craving the absolute beauty of nothing?
I know my body is getting ready to bleed. My thoughts tell me , my body is telling me. Its inner wisdom reveals all the answers. There is a dull ache in my back and I am feeling the need to be nurtured.
Go gentle I tell myself. Be gentle, you have permission. I feel humbled and grateful for these little moments when I listen, honour, feel deeply and love endlessly.